My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
