I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
