She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
