The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
