Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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