I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
