He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
