lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize