xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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