i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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