woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
