I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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