I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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