I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
