Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
