Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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