if you like me you must not know who I am
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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