At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
