I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
