I accidentally had phone sex last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize