My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
