after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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