Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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