When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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