my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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