I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
