Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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