I'm so fucking centered right now
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
