Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
