im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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