awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
