I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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