Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
