Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
