Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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