I must be too annoying 4 u.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
