We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
