Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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