theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
