Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize