Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
don't judge my taste in strippers
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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