walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
