You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had to cum in my sink.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
