When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
