i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize