I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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