she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
