whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
