The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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