He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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