explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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