one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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