he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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