This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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