Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
