what day is it and did you see me today?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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